October 2010 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)
If you read last month’s installment of this exciting adventure you will know that I am in India on Rotary Exchange.
This is a 10-month exchange, lasting from July until April or May. I live with an Indian family, attend school and immerse myself fully in a strange culture. This column is about the many experiences I am having and things I am learning here.
The first thing I learned in India is to look both ways before crossing the street.
The second thing I learned in India is how to say no. You may think you have mastered the art of polite refusal in delicate social situations, but until you have experienced Indian hospitality you are an amateur.
When you visit a house, you are first served water, already poured into glasses and presented on a tray. Soft drinks soon follow, and if you stay long enough, food. You see, one of the main goals in life for the typical Indian person is to keep his or her guests as comfortable as possible at all times. This includes forcing them to consume everything set before them.
The guest who eats the most is the most appreciated. You may see how this could be problematic for a naive, innocent exchange student hoping to avoid significant weight gain during the year. I must constantly toe the line between polite refusal and rude rejection. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell which is which.
The differences in culture are very great. The seemingly harmless refusal of a pinch of some white sugary substance could turn out quite badly when you find that it is holy and must be accepted. They also talk about weight all the time, which is acceptable in conversation. They encourage me to eat, saying that I must gain weight or my parents will think they weren’t good hosts.
This is a perfect example of how cultures differ, because for me it is exactly the opposite.
I’ll remember them more favorably should I finish the year weighing less.
However, there are other situations where the choice between yes and no is more serious. Here, the fact that we are fair skinned makes us very beautiful, and this is made very obvious by the behavior of men and women alike.
So when Mary and Justine (American and French, respectively) and I walk down the street we are the subject of a great deal of staring and the occasional Hi. The staring is easy to deal with.
The actual spoken greetings are another story.
We have grown up in a culture where it is acceptable to exchange basic greetings between strangers passing on the street. So we found it natural here to respond in kind when addressed in this routine way. It took us a long time and a good deal of advice to understand that because of our obvious western origins, we are perceived differently. If we respond it means quite a bit more than we intend. It’s better just to avoid the miscommunication.
And then there are the Indian beggars. These beggars do not sit patiently on the street with their cup and sign, but instead harass you from the minute you emerge from a building until your car pulls away. It is pitiful.
They are dirty, emaciated, ugly, sometimes carrying small, half-clothed children to add to the effect. These women and children ask so persistently. You are absolutely revolted by their proximity to you, but at the same time, you want desperately to give them the few dollars it would take to get them a good meal or fresh water. But so many times you must say no. I’m sorry. I don’t have change. Ignore them.
This is when my thoughts conflict the most. I know I can never fix the problem by giving little donations, but I also feel so sad about their condition that I want to do something.
Yes or no. This is a problem that will always exist for so many situations in life. The key is to learn when each one is appropriate. I am doing that. I must do it to survive here. Think. Yes or no. Just think.