Home; new

Finally, after a time that was an age long and yet passed in the blink of an eye – again – I’m home.

The concept of “home” is an interesting one. For me, it’s a conscious choice, more than a place or building. I have decided that Brooklyn is where I want to be, and therefore returning to it brings a sense of relief – my mind can rest, my body releases its state of semi-alarm.

Of course, my bed, my kitchen, and my things all are very convincing arguments for “home” as a place.

My first morning back in the US was reminiscent of my first morning in Japan – brilliant sun, the day taking off, a desire to go out and do things – yet accompanied by a feeling of displacement, as if I don’t know where I am or how to be here. This is what being in a new place is.

Even “home” feels new. Although I slip quickly back into the muscle-memory of moving around my kitchen, sitting in my desk chair, moving through my space in the dark, there’s a film between me and these things. It creates a sense of unreality, of floating, not quite being grounded; and in a way it’s very exciting.

I know this feeling will dissipate soon, and likely sooner than I’m ready, but for now, I get to enjoy the thrill of a “new” place.

Tokyo Sunrise

Explore Mode

This is the name I give to the side of me that emerges when there is “stuff to see.”

I planned to visit just one temple, and then go to dinner.

I planned to run this particular route – it’s mapped out on my watch – all I need to do is follow the purple line.

I planned to take a much needed break, and just sit, and be.

But then Explore Mode kicks in and I find myself wandering around in circles through winding city streets or forest paths, cameras out in both hands, finding the little visual gems which are my real motivation for running, for traveling.

A building or a boat or a view triggers the switch for Explore Mode and in the back of my brain a little command center starts making suggestions like “you could take the bus back, but why would you when it’s only a 5 mile walk”, and when the rest of me starts accumulating the fatigue of a day’s sightseeing, “but that mountain is right there, you know you want to!”

As addictions go, this need to walk everywhere, push myself physically to simply keep going, to endure and overcome my more sensible limitations, is not the worst one to have. And to date, it hasn’t gotten me into any real trouble.

It’s why I’m here, in another hemisphere, finding the little moments of life that make me happy. And as long as I have an internet connection, a few yen in my wallet, and feet that keep carrying me, no matter how sore, I think I’ll be fine.

Lake Ashi at Dusk

Solitary Jaunts

I never understood as a child the merit of the endurance activity. I hated being cold and wondering when the trail would end. 

Even now the smooth, cold downhills, the gliding kick of the wooded maze and the hard push up hill feel just as difficult and lengthy as they did when I was younger.

I was reminded this week that very little is important if I’m not happy with my own path.

Pole after pole, breath after breath, the struggle and the reward of accomplishment remind me of my ability to choose for myself.

I am clear-headed in the quiet of my solitude, moving along the trail at my own pace.

Levels of Understanding; Istanbul Impressions

What is Istanbul? Can it be defined as the place of the past, the center of power, the trove of treasures, one of the holy places of the world? Can it be defined as the focus of study, the tourist destination, the mecca of cultures, the political mediator? Is it the city to come, the place to watch, the destination for lost souls, the ultimate urban architectural construct?

Past, present, and future, Istanbul is characterized by some vitality that lends itself to the fulfillment of each of these destinies. No one can define it for certain. If they were able to, Istanbul’s power could easily be replicated the world over. It could stem from one of many things, or owe its identity in part to each of them.

It is perhaps the weighty length of human history in one place that is most compelling here. Perhaps the geography of the particular waterways, or its placement just at the line between East and West are more involved in its identity. I prefer to think, however, that the main defining factor of Istanbul is its people. People are the creators of culture, which in turn drives each aspect of architecture and space creation, and so it must be the people of a place who make it what it is.

Istanbul’s people are quite diverse. It is my theory that each individual human operates on his highest level of understanding or consciousness, sometimes limited by the finite quality of collective human knowledge, sometimes by his unwillingness or inability to transcend his own situation. The people in Istanbul are diverse because they operate on so many levels of reality. Here I generalize. The Simit seller’s daily thoughts are concerned with sufficient income, with family to feed, with survival. The hotel concierge smokes cigarette after cigarette, talks to people, puts his life on hold for the “one day” dreams. The disillusioned businessman is concerned with moving up the ranks, perhaps family or children, acquaintances, appearances, enjoyment. The Imam strives constantly to be closer to God.

Although these phases of humanity are perhaps echoed in each city and walk of life, in Istanbul they seem such a defining factor because they are all intrinsically united. It is the Mescit, the Cami, the Mosque, which (at least historically) mediates the levels of operation of diverse peoples. The Cami is the threshold of equality, of transcendence, of material illumination of the soul. And while people may experience Istanbul Mosques differently, I find one the most appealing. Mihrimah Sultan Mosque, a work of Mimar Sinan, seemed the most spiritual. It will take an exploration into myself to discover why I feel so strongly about it. All of Sinan’s mosques held a pull for me, of course, from Rustem Paşa, the tile mosque, with its wonderful courtyard, so much a part of the urban fabric, and Sokullu, rough and exquisite at the same time, to Süleymaniye, large, overwhelming, enveloping.

Perhaps I experienced the deepest sense of the divine in Mihrimah because it was the last mosque we visited, and my self-understanding, knowledge of the world, devotion to this higher energy which was so intrinsic to Istanbul had all increased exponentially up to that point. I stepped inside, and I had to bend my head in obesiance to the emotion of place. It represented all the çay, drunk in so many small glasses, each bead of sweat glistening on my skin in the humid air, every faint breath of wind off the Bosphorus against my face. There was the touch of a few days before, smiles I had responded to in kind, the emotion in many pairs of eyes, assessing, understanding. It held each of my thoughts, hopes and desires. It humbled me to the daily toil of the Simit seller, and lifted me to the devotion of the Imam. My pale love for Istanbul, my sad understanding of its people and customs, my deep desire to learn, together in this place of worship enveloped me tightly, and for a moment, my soul came undone. 

10 Things I Learned in India : 9-10

May 2011 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

I’m back from India!  And the most important of the ten things I learned there was to live on the edge.  As clichéd as it sounds, live life to the fullest.  Take the crazy path.  It definitely will be worth it in the end.  I chose to go to India, instead of France or Germany or Denmark.  I set off for the other side of the world knowing that what was in store for me would not be easy.  I thought I was ready for it.

    So when I stepped off the plane into the heat and the smells and the dirt and I realized I was, in fact, not ready for it, it was too late.  The reckless, flirting-with-death driving, the destitution everywhere, the ancient and modern thrown in together, all were part of a new world that I had to find the courage to live in.  It was not easy at first.  I was slow to accept, slow to change, slow to adapt.  Like any other rational person raised in one of the richest nations in the world, it was hard for me, both physically and psychologically, to leave the smooth, clean streets, the sidewalks,  the fast internet, the privacy, and simply drop into the world of piles of dust, trash, and cow patties, ineffective communication, and 1.5 billion people.  

    The people.  All those strangers whose principal aim in life it seemed was to try to get me to gain weight are now my family.  The people that I met and talked to and hated and loved and knew as well as I knew my family back home made India come alive.  They are what I remember, when I think of that part of the world.  There were so many people.  I saw so many that I pitied, but could do nothing for, because of their untouchable status.  I met a lot of people whom I couldn’t respect because of their actions, or lack of action, but had to pretend to respect anyway.  And I came to know a very few people who truly touched my heart.  They were my most caring host parents, and my best friends, and they were the reason I survived in such a hostile environment.  They gave me the perspective necessary to live in a world so much at odds with itself, and stay sane.  

    I will never regret taking my mom’s advice, and putting India as my first choice on my Rotary application.  I will never regret going there and experiencing the insufferable Indian Summer, or the Monsoons, or the culture shock, or the weight gain.  If I have any regrets at all, they will be only that I didn’t do more to immerse myself there, that I didn’t learn as much as I could have, or get a little more out into the exotic vastness of it all.  

    I chose India, I went, and I lived, as I have never lived before.  My experiences gave me wisdom, and a sense of what exquisite joy it is to live in this world.  I found some hard, raw truths in India, but I realized that without the awareness, and occasionally pain, that comes with the truth, life rarely has meaning.  I came home with a sense of what it is to be part of the complex community which is the human race.  There is a lot more to be learned in the world, and more than ever, I am ready to step outside my doorstep, and embrace it with open arms.

10 Things I Learned in India : 8

March 2011 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

    Almost eight months into my Rotary Exchange to India, I have been gifted with a plethora of life-changing experiences which have taught me a great deal about the world, it’s people, and most importantly, myself.  So far I have learned to make decisions carefully, know when to refuse and when to accept, how to live in a different culture, that I should never take anything for granted, that everything in my life happens for a reason, and that I must always allow people to make their mark on me, for better or for worse.

    Which brings me to the eighth thing I learned in India; face your problems head on and with a clear mind.  Things may seem bad, but if you just calm yourself down long enough to understand your situation, you will soon find a solution for every problem, or a way to live with it.  Two weeks ago my Rotary Counselor sent a text to tell me that I had to switch families, and to do so as soon as possible. The family designated for my move was the one I had spent 6.5 months with previously.  I was less than excited to leave my current host family, in which I had been very happy, but I was almost devastated when faced with the prospect of returning to that house where I had spent so many idle hours in front of the TV or computer.  I knew that if I returned there I would fall back into the void where the outside world seems to cease to exist for long stretches of time, and all there is to do is sleep, or think, or sweat through the heat.  I cringed at the thought of being back there for another 2 long months.  The next day, I told my counselor that, and as a result, my destination was switched to the house where Mary, another American girl lived.  Even in my rather senseless, self-pitying state, I understood that if I reverted to living in close quarters with her again, the rest of my time would be comprised of a whole lot of complaining and bad moods, the result of two exchange students living together.  However, in due time, my counselor found a new family that was ready to host me.  I had become friends with their son and I knew they were a good family, and I was very excited to go there.  I found that with new, happy prospects ahead, I could think clearly and more easily reconcile myself to the cons of the new arrangement.

    And so I moved.  The house is rather old, awkwardly arranged, and complete with the almost typical Gujarati family.  The man goes to work, the woman stays home, doing nothing more than cooking, sleeping, and watching TV all day.  The food is oily and unhealthy.  But the biggest worry for me, as a teenager of the 21st century, was the lack of internet.  In this day and age, being without internet is difficult, especially if constant internet-based communication is a must.  The first night I didn’t know what to do.  In the middle of trying to choose a college, finding a summer job, and planning my mom’s trip to India, I was stranded without that so necessary technology I had come to take for granted.  But the next day, I found some ways around it, including the occasional use of the USB modem my new family has at their office, and visits to my friends’ houses who have internet.  

    I took my situation and, by facing my problem, found a way to live with it.  And I know I will get by.  I have proven that I have the ability to adapt, a skill infinitely useful in a place like India.

10 Things I Learned in India : 6-7

February 2011 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

    I have previously shared five of my most important life lessons learned in India.  However, finding myself with just two months left in this amazing country, I will write about two life lessons this month.  So far I have learned to make decisions carefully, know when to refuse and when to accept, how to live in a different culture, and that I should never take anything for granted.

    The sixth thing I learned in India is that everything in your life happens for a reason.  This is a theory that many people choose to refute, but I have come to believe it.  There have been a lot of weird, difficult, and sometimes awkward experiences here.  When one occurs, I try to remember to find the good in it.  I have realized that many things will happen to me in my life that I won’t necessarily see as good things.  But I’ve also realized that if I choose to come away from these experiences having found the way to do the right thing and stay positive, I have done what’s best for me.  Things do happen for a reason, and I think that reason is to help me make better choices and learn more, so that when I’m faced with something more important than trivial teenage drama, I’ll know how to handle it.  I know that on the surface, this lesson doesn’t really relate to Indian lifestyle or language.  However, for me, it’s very relevant.  For someone from another culture, India is a place where I am constantly tested, put through a great deal of stress and difficulty.  Culture shock presents me with new challenges every day, even seven months into my exchange.  But the true value of Rotary for me is that I see these challenges as chances to become someone who is more genuine, more motivated, and more confident.  These are the reasons that the “thing” called Rotary Exchange happened to me. 

    The seventh lesson I learned is that you should never underestimate the mark anyone can make on you.  Don’t disregard someone just because you have no initial interest in them or they have done something to offend you.  Every person who enters your life is, like I mentioned above, there for a reason, and you should give each of them a chance to teach you something, or change you, whether they do so by being your best friend, your worst enemy, or anything in between.  I know that each person I have had a relationship with here, whether it be my host parents, Indian friends, or Rotary friends, has made an impact on me.  They have all taught me something and helped me grow.  There have been bad experiences, when someone is unnecessarily immature and causes unwelcome drama, and amazing ones, when someone I don’t really consider my friend amazes me with what they say or do for me.  Hence, the most important part of my Rotary Exchange has been the people I’ve met.  I think that the people around us are the reason we do what we do, feel what we feel.  They are the main reason we can grow and change.  So embrace every relationship you have as at least, if nothing more, an important experience in your life.  Then you miss out on none of the wisdom and maturity you have the potential to attain.

10 Things I Learned in India : 5

January 2011 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

    After sixth months on Rotary Exchange in India I have learned many life lessons, some of which I feel important enough to share with you every month.  The first three things I learned in India were to look both ways before crossing the street, how to say no, and conversely, how to say yes. The fourth thing was that the aspects of another culture might suit you better than your own.

    However, among the most important of the lessons I have learned is to never take anything for granted.  This lesson is probably learned by most people who are placed in a culture other than their own, but I feel that it is exaggerated because I am an American in India.  Someone from the birthplace of instant gratification in a land where nothing is prepackaged.  There are no cell phone plans and no bottles of milk in the store.  There are no cake mixes and you can’t use eggs for baking.  There is no toilet paper, and all the clothes are washed by hand.  This makes everything much more of a hassle, less sanitary, and much more work for the hired help.  So instead of a washer and dryer, dishwasher and vacuum cleaner, you have some people.  It is not as nice as it sounds.  Doing no work because you are paying someone else to do it every day does get boring after awhile.

    But finding myself in this vastly different society has taught me that living without the things we call the basic necessities is very possible and in some ways enjoyable.

I know that I will never take any aspect of the easy American way of life for granted.  I know now how the other half of the world lives, and know that in their minds it is the best way of life. I appreciate more than ever the amazing history America has had and I understand that we have extremely stable foundations already laid to continue our leaps and bounds of advancement.  So if anything, being in India has made me realize just how proud I am of America.  It has opened my eyes to my own close-mindedness and given me the ability to focus on the important things in my life, even when the surroundings are less than comfortable.  I feel as if I am a different person, because now I have fully realized that it doesn’t matter who you are or how much money you have, it just matters what you do with your time.  And Rotary has shown me that a little productivity can really change the world, one life at a time.

10 Things I Learned in India : 4

December 2010 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

    I am about to begin my sixth month on Rotary Exchange in India and consequently am writing my fourth column.  Each one consists of a life lesson I have learned in India.  The first three things I learned in India were to look both ways before crossing the street, how to say no, and conversely, how to say yes.  

    The newest thing I have learned in India is that in some ways another culture might suit you better than your own.  I am on a cultural exchange, so learning a culture and becoming integrated into it is hardly a surprising result.  However, finding that I am already good at being Indian in many ways is a shocker.  Take Indian dress, for example.  I love wearing the roomy, flowy Punjabi pants and long Kurtis.  I feel comforted and safe when I throw a Dupatta over my shoulders.  My friends and host family tell me I look Indian and should be dyeing my hair black any day now.  Maybe the reason I love these clothes is that they are comfortable and easy, and whether or not they are in vogue in the fashion world, they make me feel beautiful and natural.  They are certainly a far cry from the tight jeans and tank tops the Western world finds attractive.  

    Another example of this is Indian music.  I performed a very old Hindi song for an anniversary party a few weeks ago and during my practicing found that I loved the little melodies and rhythms of the music, how the words flow and change unexpectedly, and although I love Western music with a passion, could fully appreciate the beauty this music had to offer.  

    I have found that the biggest differences in culture can lead to the most understanding and connection in surprising ways.  I love my culture.  I love the bad and the good parts about it.  But I also love so many parts of my new culture that I often wonder which I would do better in for the rest of my life.  It is a curious thought, and never ceases to entertain.  

10 Things I Learned in India : 3

November 2010 (Originally published in The Cooperstown Crier)

    I am entering my fifth month out of ten on Rotary Exchange in India, and I am having the most wonderful experience.  I have learned many things, but there are a few life lessons which rise above the the rest.  This month is dedicated to the third.  The first thing I learned in India is to look both ways before crossing the street.  The second thing is how to say no.

    The third thing I learned in India is how to say yes.  I am fully aware that last month I said that it was quite advisable to say no in many situations, but one simply cannot go through life refusing everything offered to them.  In fact, it is a very vital skill to know when to say yes.

    To begin with, Indians love you when you accept everything they offer.  This includes food, invitations to stay in their home, gifts, and their general hospitality.  It is the responsibility of the exchange student to make all possible efforts to be accepted into the culture and society in which they find themselves, and the best way to accomplish this is to please the adults.  Therefore, when I visit someone’s home, even if I have eaten, I accept the food they offer.  When I am invited to visit for a few days, I smile and nod and they are reassured that they are good hosts.  I rarely do stay with anyone, but when I do I find that I am forced to take the best of everything.  They are offended when I try to refuse.  

    This lesson also has a very practical, albeit different, application in the general world, Rotary Exchange included.  It is necessary, for one’s own sake, to accept all opportunities when they are presented.  I know that had I said no to just a few more opportunities during my time in India so far, I would have missed out on the wealth of knowledge and excitement and information which had put itself in my path.  By saying yes and living life to the fullest, I have been experiencing happiness and a greater sense of self-realization every day.  I say yes and I am taken for the most fantastic ride through the ancient and the modern and the conflict and the peace.  When I say yes, I rise above petty complaints and give my mind and body the chance to realize their full potential.  

    I am good at saying yes now.  Yes means acceptance and change.  It means opportunity and a bright future.  It means contentment.  I can truly say that yes is the most valuable word in my vocabulary.